Three years ago I thought I had encountered one of the hardest journeys I would have to travel...breast cancer with double mastectomy (5 surgeries) and since then 4 new biopsies. It was very difficult and painful, but I had the love and support of family and friends helping me along the way. My house mate was wonderful, taking me to all my appointments, changing the drains and bandages, listening to me whine and complain, and trying to get me to eat when my stomach said "I am NOT hungry"!
It was hard! It was painful! But I think I am now encountering something more difficult... caring for my father. I wrote a poem about Taking Care of Father many years ago. I had no idea things could get harder.... for both of us.
When our parents age, we know with certainty that one day they will begin to falter and fail, and eventually they will die. If they know the Lord, we also know with that same certainty that we will see them again one day. My father knows the Lord. In fact, he prays every night for each member of our family as well as friends. If he falls asleep while praying, he continues his prayers when he wakes to go to the bathroom, or get a snack or for whatever reason he awakens.
My father is a VERY independent man. He has been working since he was a young boy; driving trucks for his father's business, then his own business, and then for his other jobs he held while he was a grown man. He LOVES driving trucks. He has driving just about every kind of truck there is (not fire truck). He has owned pick ups, semis/cabs and SUV's (not considered trucks) He has driving heavy machinery. He LOVEs driving. Until recently, he drove to PA every summer to visit our relatives. He and his buddy from school, used to drive to PA every summer, but his friend would fall asleep at the red lights, so dad was the one to drive. He hates being a passenger!!!
A few years ago he began losing his sight. He had cataract surgery on both eyes; then he was told he had macular degeneration in one eye and now, he has it in both eyes. He gave up his truck, his keys, and driving after his 86th birthday, even though his drivers' license had been renewed for another 6 years. He now has a "scooter" which he uses to drive around the block to go to the bank and grocery store. This bothers me (but I say nothing) because the block he travels on sidewalks are heavily traveled highways and people drive like they are at the Grand Prix. He has his independence this way.
He also uses the counties public transportation for which he pays $3.50 each way, has to give a time range for pick up coming and going. If the van/taxi is late, he is late for his appointments which frustrates him...or he sits for an hour or two waiting to be picked up and taken home. So for now, when he has a dr's appointment, he takes the "van" to his appointment (usually 1 hour earlier than is necessary) and then I meet him there so I can hear what the dr has to say, since dad does not understand (or hear) much of what the dr says. I do not mind doing this for him because then I also get to know what is going on with his health, however, what I do mind is his constant criticism or how I drive or how I park or how I back into a parking place. I don't do it the same way he would do it so he decides he should tell me the correct way. Sometimes, I blow it off....other times, it is not so easy.
I have taken over doing his bookkeeping. Every Sunday he carries his check book, bills, chart to list all the bills which are paid or need to be paid each month and also any appointments which have been made during the past wk. This is fine, but he has an exact way of doing this. He holds onto all of the bills and hands them individually to me so I can write the check, fill in the chart, write on the bill that it has been paid, and put the check and pay stub correctly into the envelope.... and then the next bill is handed to me. What would take about 15 min. to do, now takes about an hour. He then takes them all home, puts his address stickers on them and puts the stamps on. We could drop them right off at the post office when I take him home, since we go right by it, but this is not his way and he does not carry his labels and stamps along with him.
He has decided there are many things for which I need information: his bathroom habits; his bodily functions audible and non audible; the fact that he is using Depends; or the fact that he has gained weight and needed his underwear purchased in 3 sizes larger; and when or if he decides to take the medications which days because they "make me pee too much".
Dad has heart problems and has a defibrilator to help his heart rate not get too low. He has had bypass surgery in the past and has Congestive Heart Failure now. He is on certain medications to keep the fluids in his lungs down, otherwise he turns gray in the face, becomes short of breath and wheezes when he moves, which becomes harder to do when you cannot breathe properly. Because of the medication needed to reduce the fluids, dad now has kidney failure. The dr and cardiologist have juggled his meds, done blood work and ekg's to be sure his kidneys hold up under all the medication. At one point, the doctors told us if his "numbers" keep being too high or too low, he would need to be on dialysis. This frightened all of us and none of us wanted this for dad.
Dad has gotten very negative and opinionated about certain things, but especially those things other people do with which he does not agree. His neighbor lady has been his and mom's friend for years. She has watched out for him over the years since mom died. She watches in the morning to be sure he is up (the lights go on); they talk every day either in person or on the phone. He mows her lawn (yes he still works) and she over pays him; he does (or did) handyman jobs for her and she over paid him; she gave him bonuses at holidays. They have been good friends. NOW however, he is very angry with her. He complains to me (and anyone who will listen) about how forgetful she is getting and tells him the same thing every time they speak (he does the same thing). He complains that she is up at 4 in the morning; breakfast at 6; lunch at 10 or 11; dinner at 4 PM and lights out watching tv in her bed after 5 pm. Now her son is buying a home big enough for her to move in with his family. She has decided she will "give" her mobile home (about 40 yrs old) to the trailer park owners (multimillionaires who do nothing in the park) complete with all furniture and appliances. Dad asked if he could buy her refrigerator since his is dying a slow death and she said "God told me to give the trailer to the park the way I got it...fully furnished". Now dad complains bitterly about this and how can she call herself a christian if she won't give the things to people who need it; He is bitter; he is angry; he complains constantly about this.
Last weekend we drove dad to Savannah, Georgia to witness the wedding of my niece. The entire way, he complained about his neighbor to the point of yelling; he complained about how my roommate drives; he passed gas and belched loudly, when he was not spitting chewing tobacco into a tin can. I had arranged for all of us to stay in the same suite in order to save money. He had his own room but complained because there was only one bathroom; he slammed doors in the middle of the night; moaned loudly as he walked to the bathroom. I slept about 2 hours. The next day we got lost going to the wedding and he complained about probably missing the wedding, which we did not; then he "kidded" my roommate about where she parked the car and was she sure it was not a tow away zone. She was so angry, she refused to speak to him that night and the next day, which made traveling home a very stressful time.
When we got home, he called to tell me the brand new microwave I gave him, was no longer working. I told him I would come up and see what was wrong. The next day he called to tell me becaquse the microwave was not working correctly, he took out the food he had in it and "accidently" placed the plastic container onto the burner of his hot plate....which of course melted all over the hot plate. I went to Walmart and got him a new hot plate. I went to his house to take him home tonight and checked the microwave and hot plate which he could not tell high from low settings. The microwave had not been turned off properly, so he could not reset it to cook something else; I bought a copper and gold sharpie pen and marked on the microwave how to shut it off completely and where high and low were on the hot plate. It scares me to death thinking of him using hot oil to cook french fries which he does a few nights a week.
I love my father. I do not want him to die anytime soon. He is almost 87 (in July). I am afraid his trailer will burn down while he is cooking, or he will tip over the hot oil onto himself. I am afraid of him riding his scooter and riding mower around the park. I am afraid when he hears cars coming into his driveway (drug deals) and he flips on his lights to go out on the porch to see what is going on. A neighbor just got murdered a month ago.
I am frustrated because one of my siblings keeps texting me to tell me what I should be doing for dad yet is doing nothing for him. Money was sent for a jacket for the wedding, and my brother went with me to help him with new pants, shirt and jacket since he had gained so much weight. I get irritated when I am told to do something for him, when I am the one doing it ALL for him.
I am looking for a support group at the church to help me cope with caring for dad. His health is failing; I know he is frustrated with no sight and limited hearing; His indepence consists of him going to the grocery store and bank, taking a ride around the block and having me or the transit company drive him around. I understand his frustrations. I do not want to feel this way about him. I love my father. I want to always love my father. This man I see and deal with now, is not the man with whom I grew up (though he was gone lots of times). My father is a gentle, kind, and compassionate man.....I do not like seeing him become Dr. Jeckel. I hate how I feel about the entire situation.
Faith, the anger and the negativity is from the Alzheimer's. My daddy kept thinking the home health were stealing (at least for a period of time). My friend's mom kept calling her because she was sure there were naked gypsies in her apartment and then one day my friend and her mom were at Braum's (an ice cream place), mom accused the woman behind the counter of trying to steal my friend's dad. I don't know why, but I do know it is from the Alz. Talk to his dr although I don't know if he will be able to help. Tell your friend that I said she needs to chill out and cut some slack to an 87 year old man. Next time a sibling tells you what to do, tell them they will need to do that themselves. My parents went downhill in lock step for several years and I could get no help from either sister. I had always been close to my eldest sister, but she broke my trust too many times and our relationship will never recover. You may need to see about home health, etc. check with his dr to see about Medicare and what they will cover. I am sorry you are going through this. I know it is hard. You may want to get some therapy, in particular someone who does EMDR.Genuinely saved my life. Love, Kathryn
Posted by: Kathryn | 05/05/2014 at 10:15 AM